Stick to the essentials, please

We work together, live together, play together, and so on and so on. Who, you ask? Men and women.

Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. Yet, we find ways to coexist peacefully....well, most of the time.

In a time when the vast majority of marriages end in divorce, one might ask what has changed. Well, we have. The standards for propriety, morality and integrity have changed. Good old-fashioned values have become antiquated as we have become more "liberated."

Let's go back for a minute. When we attended gatherings with our parents, what were the demographics? You saw the elders sitting and reminiscing. You saw our parents and their peers in groups. The dads were usually outside playing ball, at the grill, or watching the game. The moms were easily found in the kitchen, drinking tea at the table, and talking about work, kids, and the like. The kids were everywhere, depending on what they wanted. If they wanted to horseplay or learn how to ride bikes, they found the men. If they wanted something to eat or fell off the bikes, they found the women.

As teenagers and young women, we vowed that we would never let ourselves fall into the "gender trap." And we didn't. But, at what expense? Many of us are educated, but useless in the kitchen. If our babies need costumes for school, we often have to run out and buy one...who can sew? Bake sales....buy some cookies from Kroger, and stick them in your own Tupperware. Many of us are too busy competing with men to simply be women.

That brings me to the crux of it all. What is at the heart of all this man-woman stuff, and how can we improve the conditions of our society...especially the African American community?

For starters, we have to acknowledge and accept that relationships are based on respect and reciprocity. The family unit is a team, and the team comes before the individuals in it. Each team will have its own dynamics, but there are some essentials needed for it to function effectively.

The team has to have a leader, and the leader needs a partner. Decision-making needs to be a collaborative effort between the two. Each brings something vital to the process. In most heterosexual partnerships, the man has the leadership position, and the woman is the support. While we know that the support is typically the foundation...the position of the leader should still be respected. What does this mean?

Well, ladies, it means that you can't throw your salary in his face whenever you have a disagreement. Fellas, it means that you have to put your family ahead of your individual wants and needs--no video games or gym shoes, the kids need summer clothes. It also means that you have to rid yourself of non-essential relationships. As adults, we all have histories, but we can't carry our histories into our futures. The only thing you should be bringing from previous intimate relationships is wisdom. You can't bring your ex along. You cannot put your partner in a position to be disrespected. You can't invite folks over for dinner who have previously had you for dessert. It just doesn't work in the long run...it will become an obstacle at some point. An obstacle to complete commitment, and obstacle to the overall betterment of the team, and an obstacle to letting go of your past. While men and women have to interact, we can learn to do it wisely...stick to the essentials...clear boundaries, clear intentions, and clear communication.

Look at your interactions...are you "keeping it professional," or are your boundaries a little blurred. It's almost impossible to regain your footing in these situations. One dirty joke, one flirtatious moment...that's all it takes to undo it all.

Look at your intentions. Are you really just offering him dinner because he has no family here? Or, are you trying to let him know that you have some skills in the kitchen?...just in case he might be interested. Are you really just trying to spend time with her kids for the sake of being a positive male role model?...or, are you just banking on the fact that you can win her heart by winning over her children first? Really, what is your motivation?

Are you being honest, open, and transparent in your communication? Are you listening to his/her relationship problems out of concern? Or, are you just learning the situation so that you can be there to help "pick up the pieces." Can you see yourself in a relationship with this person? Have you talked about it? If you did, were you truthful?

Again, stick to the essentials...it will help take a lot of the drama and confusion out of our relationships.