Why Are You Always in a Bad Mood?

So often, we view depression as sadness and despair. While these feelings may be at the root of what we are dealing with, they may not be easily recognized. For many, depression is a time of explosive outbursts, self-imposed isolation, and lashing out at others. So, here are a few things to look out for if you're concerned about sudden changes in a loved one's moods. -Changes in sleep/eating patterns -Easily irritated/more irritable than usual -Expressions of feeling hopeless/worthless -Social withdrawal/isolation -Losing interest in hobbies -Lashing out with little or no provocation Now, be mindful that we will all experience difficulties. We may even have these issues mentioned above. However, we are typically able to bounce back. If these issues persist for more than a few weeks, you may want to see your doctor. This is for informational use only, and is not intended for diagnostic use.

That fried chicken is halal, right?

Growing up in a multicultural, interfaith family, I've seen ethnocentrism and evangelism at its best...and worst. I was fortunate enough to be raised in a tolerant environment that not only embraced difference, but also celebrated it. As an adult, I have witness dozens, if not hundreds, of individuals accept Islam as their faith. These people come from a variety of educational, racial, socio-economic, ethnic, and religious backgrounds. I have also noticed several trends, and that is what I want to explore a bit. I want to preface this by saying that this is simply an observation, not a criticism. As a clinical therapist, I am fascinated by human behavior in all spheres. As humans, we all use defense mechanisms. Most times, they help us in dealing with issues that we find painful or uncomfortable. So, you might ask, how could that have anything to do with embracing a new faith? Well, it really depends on where you are coming from. Some people come into Islam from a minimal religious/spiritual background. Others come with many years of experience, negative and positive. Then there are those who come into the faith seeking to intellectualize it. This brings us to the first defense mechanism, projection. According to psychology.about.com, projection is a defense mechanism that involves taking our own unacceptable qualities or feelings and ascribing them to other people. For example, if you have a strong dislike for someone, you might instead believe that he or she does not like you. Projection works by allowing the expression of the desire or impulse, but in a way that the ego cannot recognize, therefore reducing anxiety. I have observed many cases where individuals become very judgmental and overly critical of anything they do not deem permissible or allowed. They often think the worst of people with very little evidence or provocation. The issues they point out are usually behaviors they have had to give up or are still struggling with. The, "She ain't even covered right. She probably don't even pray." Or, "I'm wearing niqaab because I don't need jealous sisters putting the eye on me." Men are not exempt from this behavior. You hear, "Those dudes are all in the dunya, I know what that looks like." Or, "Astaghfirullah, he always up in some sister's face. You know what that means." My first response is one of concern. I can only imagine the amount of anxiety that must accompany having to alter your lifestyle in so many ways. The second is intellectualization, and this often happens with the person who has embraced the faith with some uncertainty or with ulterior motives. According to psychology.about.com, Intellectualization works to reduce anxiety by thinking about events in a cold, clinical way. This defense mechanism allows us to avoid thinking about the stressful, emotional aspect of the situation and instead focus only on the intellectual component. For example, a person who has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness might focus on learning everything about the disease in order to avoid distress and remain distant from the reality of the situation. With these individuals, you may find that they immediately don a hijab and abaya, learn Arabic, and study intensively. In a healthy individual, these things are not problematic. However, in someone who has unresolved issues, these can be a negative. They will tell you what you are doing wrong, and are able to quote you numerous ayat and hadith to support their position. They are the rule keepers. They may subsequently impose these rules on everyone else. For these people, I just try to stay mindful that they are probably overwhelmed with the amount of information they have taken in, and are also eager to be what they feel is a "good" Muslim. This brings us to denial, which functions to protect the ego from things that the individual cannot cope with. While this may save us from anxiety or pain, denial also requires a substantial investment of energy. Because of this, other defenses are also used to keep these unacceptable feelings from consciousness. Some individuals embrace Islam with zeal and fervor, to the point that they will seemingly forget their pre-Muslim life. While it may be annoying at first, it becomes less shocking when you have deeper conversations with these individuals. The remaining guilt for things they may have said or done before embracing the faith is so uncomfortable that they will deny it completely. Or they will go to great lengths to create a persona that opposes all of the issues they feel guilty about. This is where you will hear, "I can't believe she dresses like that." This is ironic given that this person may have dressed provocatively previously. Or you hear a guy talking about who spends a lot of time in the club, as though he had not been accompanying him previously. It is disheartening that what could be a wonderful opportunity to speak to the way that faith can facilitate change, ends up being a source of shame and pretense. Lastly, according to medicalglossary.org, identification is a process by which an individual unconsciously endeavors to pattern himself after another. This is something that occurs unconsciously. This is where an inability to distinguish between Islam and Arab culture can be problematic. These are the people who feel that their Islam is measured in terms of how "Arab" they can become. They will pursue Arab spouses, integrate every word of Arabic they speak into every conversation at every opportunity, denounce everything that is not Arab-focused, and minimize their own race or ethnicity. While I’ve focused on the behaviors of individuals, the bigger issue lies within the community. What have we put in place to support new Muslims? Many lose their biological families, and struggle to integrate into community life. What has happened that a new Muslim feels that they have to abandon their identity to be accepted. We can shun the sin, and still embrace the sinner. After all, we are ALL sinners trying to get to the same place, Jannatul-Firdos. We must embrace the newbies and the veterans alike. We must create social networks and support structures for the community at large. We must first speak to the hearts of people, as they are surely going to be in a state of awe as they embrace the Oneness of Allah swt. And then we can build on a solid foundation that allows them to distinguish between culture and ideology, instead of them idealizing cultural norms in lieu of religion. What a beautiful tapestry of humanity there is in Islam! We can celebrate all that we bring to the ummah as well as what others bring. I’m often seen in a kurti with jeans and stilettos. I love to wear a gelee head wrap with my dishdasha. Abayas and Chuck Taylors are staples in my wardrobe. You may want to try an Ao Dai ensemble with a pair of espadrilles…simply stunning. So, you go ahead and make that Sunday dinner Sis….yams, macaroni and cheese, greens, and fried chicken. I will gladly join you. All I’m going to ask is, “this fried chicken is halal, right?” I’ll even bring the salad. I’ve found that tabbouli is the perfect accompaniment to fried chicken.

Peace and Quiet, from the Inside Out

It's never been difficult for me. To be me, that is. As a Muslim woman, I cover and I pray. It's just part of being me. As a woman from the D, I embody strength and perseverance. Again, it's just a part of being me. I am me, regardless of where I am. To be in the presence of other Muslims doesn't solidify my relationship with the Most High any more than being in the presence of non Muslims negates it. The Detroit arts and activist communities have accepted me, as I am. I'm often photographed holding my dhikr beads, I'm provided with cups for istijak, and offered space to pray. One of my most memorable moments happened at an artist friend's Mother's Day gathering. I asked her if there was somewhere I could pray, and she was like sure. I was fine praying at the top of the stairs, but she took me into the basement and gave me a rug. I was struck by her comment, "I know you need somewhere quiet and peaceful." I thanked her and said, "Not really, my salat makes my heart quiet and peaceful." Quiet and peaceful? I'm a mother. I haven't had a quiet and peaceful moment in a very, VERY long time. With infants, you try to be as quiet as possible so you can pray before the baby needs to be held, fed, or changed. With toddlers, prayer seems to be their favorite playtime. I've had many times where I was tackled, hit by flying toys, accompanied by shrieks and giggles...all while just trying to pray. As they grew, I often made prayers twice. Once to watch them to offer correction when needed, then again by myself. Prayer time has recently become a quiet and peaceful time in my home. My older boys are 15 and 13. One leads, and the other does the call to prayer. My youngest is almost 7, and tries so hard to be like his big brothers. I stand behind them, tearful at times. So many times, my prayers were the only time I felt quiet and peaceful inside. Now, my Suns are a part of the process. And I'm grateful. I am finally able to pray in a quiet and peaceful place. With them.

To Be, or Not to Be...of Contribution, That Is

Just as we all have different experiences in life, we also have different definitions of various concepts. What does it mean to you to be of service? Of contribution? For some, this is something they only think of in regard to their family or inner circle. For others, they will ponder upon this in relation to the world at large. As part of trying to maintain balance in my life, I feel that we must be of service to others in order to evolve. Being of contribution to others fosters our mental, emotional and spiritual growth. It is also a great reminder to stay humble, be grateful, and remain faithful. “And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe’.” (14:7) This verse from the Holy Quran is the cornerstone of my perspective on service and charity. In being grateful for what we have, we must also want the same for others. This is an integral part of every faith and belief system. There is nothing wrong with enjoying nice things, especially when you have worked for them. However, there are also many blessings in sacrifice. Many of the small things we take for granted are the things that dreams are made of for others. How many bottles of unopened perfume do you have, clothes in the closet with tags on them, food that you have to throw out because it expired before you got to use it? If we took these small things, and used them for something outside of ourselves, the blessings would surely come. I have made being of contribution to others an integral part of my life. I will be sharing some of my experiences in the hope that others will see that helping others is not as difficult as you may think. I also hope to encourage others to reflect on the notion of "To be, or not to be...."

Intergenerational Love, Layer by Layer

At first, you may think I'm talking about a May-December love affair....or grandparents as parents. No, I'm talking about building a foundation, layer by layer. Generation by generation. It can be done in a way that shows the contribution and value of each. In taking care of our elders, we are showing our children how to take care of us. In honoring the ancestors, we model the importance of honoring and acknowledging your lineage and your history. In caring for our children, we model parenting. We will see them doing the same rituals and routines with their children that we did with them. Good and bad. Negative and positive. We are passing on cycles, and villages. What is the condition of your village? The condition of those in it? Family can take many forms, ties can be forged in faith, Love, and blood. What are you building?

Reflection and projection are not synonymous, though often confused. When one is seeing their reflection in others, they are observing a shared trait, behavior or aspiration. Inspiration often grows here. Projection is seeing others as being like you, good and bad. That can mar that whole reflection process. It's hard to see Love in others (and yourself) when all your grimy ways are well, in the way. So, if all you can see is the negative in others, reflect on it. It may help you to get your self out of the way and gain some clarity. As always, reminding myself first.