Stick to the essentials, please

We work together, live together, play together, and so on and so on. Who, you ask? Men and women.

Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. Yet, we find ways to coexist peacefully....well, most of the time.

In a time when the vast majority of marriages end in divorce, one might ask what has changed. Well, we have. The standards for propriety, morality and integrity have changed. Good old-fashioned values have become antiquated as we have become more "liberated."

Let's go back for a minute. When we attended gatherings with our parents, what were the demographics? You saw the elders sitting and reminiscing. You saw our parents and their peers in groups. The dads were usually outside playing ball, at the grill, or watching the game. The moms were easily found in the kitchen, drinking tea at the table, and talking about work, kids, and the like. The kids were everywhere, depending on what they wanted. If they wanted to horseplay or learn how to ride bikes, they found the men. If they wanted something to eat or fell off the bikes, they found the women.

As teenagers and young women, we vowed that we would never let ourselves fall into the "gender trap." And we didn't. But, at what expense? Many of us are educated, but useless in the kitchen. If our babies need costumes for school, we often have to run out and buy one...who can sew? Bake sales....buy some cookies from Kroger, and stick them in your own Tupperware. Many of us are too busy competing with men to simply be women.

That brings me to the crux of it all. What is at the heart of all this man-woman stuff, and how can we improve the conditions of our society...especially the African American community?

For starters, we have to acknowledge and accept that relationships are based on respect and reciprocity. The family unit is a team, and the team comes before the individuals in it. Each team will have its own dynamics, but there are some essentials needed for it to function effectively.

The team has to have a leader, and the leader needs a partner. Decision-making needs to be a collaborative effort between the two. Each brings something vital to the process. In most heterosexual partnerships, the man has the leadership position, and the woman is the support. While we know that the support is typically the foundation...the position of the leader should still be respected. What does this mean?

Well, ladies, it means that you can't throw your salary in his face whenever you have a disagreement. Fellas, it means that you have to put your family ahead of your individual wants and needs--no video games or gym shoes, the kids need summer clothes. It also means that you have to rid yourself of non-essential relationships. As adults, we all have histories, but we can't carry our histories into our futures. The only thing you should be bringing from previous intimate relationships is wisdom. You can't bring your ex along. You cannot put your partner in a position to be disrespected. You can't invite folks over for dinner who have previously had you for dessert. It just doesn't work in the long run...it will become an obstacle at some point. An obstacle to complete commitment, and obstacle to the overall betterment of the team, and an obstacle to letting go of your past. While men and women have to interact, we can learn to do it wisely...stick to the essentials...clear boundaries, clear intentions, and clear communication.

Look at your interactions...are you "keeping it professional," or are your boundaries a little blurred. It's almost impossible to regain your footing in these situations. One dirty joke, one flirtatious moment...that's all it takes to undo it all.

Look at your intentions. Are you really just offering him dinner because he has no family here? Or, are you trying to let him know that you have some skills in the kitchen?...just in case he might be interested. Are you really just trying to spend time with her kids for the sake of being a positive male role model?...or, are you just banking on the fact that you can win her heart by winning over her children first? Really, what is your motivation?

Are you being honest, open, and transparent in your communication? Are you listening to his/her relationship problems out of concern? Or, are you just learning the situation so that you can be there to help "pick up the pieces." Can you see yourself in a relationship with this person? Have you talked about it? If you did, were you truthful?

Again, stick to the essentials...it will help take a lot of the drama and confusion out of our relationships.

Trust in Yourself and Others

Trust, according to Dictionary.com, is reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. The integrity piece is straightforward, as are surety and ability. The tricky piece for me is strength. What does this mean? In the most concrete sense, one might think of physical strength...will you catch me if I fall? Can I trust you to protect me from physical harm? Can you carry that all by yourself?

However, there are other types of strength...namely, spiritual and emotional. To trust in the spiritual and emotional strength of another person is to recognize your own vulnerability. Can I place my safety in the hands of another person? Can I admit that I neither want, nor am able to, be totally independent? Do I see something in you that I lack in myself? Do I trust you to fill that void?

We can say that we do, and mean it in the most superficial way...but unless we have allowed that trust to penetrate the essence of our being, we are lying to ourselves. Our ego, our history, our pain, our fear, our lack of trust...they all allow us to delude ourselves about how we exist as spiritual and emotional beings.

We can engage in religious practice without spirituality. This is not necessarily hypocrisy, as it may seem initially. Some of us are just so spiritually stagnant that we believe we are swimming in a depth of spirituality when, in fact, we are simply treading water.

Likewise, we can interact with people constantly, without being emotionally engaged or available. I mean, totally engaged or available. We often engage with contingency plans. Or, we base our availability on what we expect in return. In either case, we are not emotionally trusting or trustworthy.

Some people live their whole lives without ever learning how to, or allowing themselves, to trust. For this reason, they miss out on love. Without trust, love cannot flourish. In the ocean of emotion, they are watching from the shoreline. Many are so entranced by the view that they don't realize they could be a part of it. Then, there are those who realize it, but are afraid to swim out. What if I drown in all that emotion? What if I lose myself? In the right situation, you will be able to trust that other person to rescue you...throw you a lifeline. You will trust that they will be able to dive in and drag you out if necessary. :)

Letting Go...

So often, we come through learning experiences feeling like we did better than we ever expected. We didn't stop breathing, we didn't hurt anyone, and we dodged that lightning bolt. So, we think that we are ok. Many times, we are not. Resilience and resolution are not one and the same.

This is especially true for relationships. We often come out of relationships of any sort with a "I won't do that again" perspective. We rarely talk about what we WILL do the next time around. Will you listen to your friend lament about her latest date without criticism and judgment? Will you let your child wear that raggedy pair of jeans? Will you buy him tickets to the game...so that he can hang out with the guys?

What will you do? If you focus on what you won't do, you won't do anything differently. You'll just find a different way of doing the same thing. If you don't let go of the pain, it will be a third party to every conversation. If you don't let go of the hurt, it will join you on every date. If you don't let go of your past, you're bound to repeat.

We are all infinite beings with infinite possibilities. Starting out at a similar point doesn't mean you'll end up with a similar outcome. Let go, and let the possibilities in. Let yourself be different. Be the change you wish to see.